My "A-ha!" Moment

For Valentine's Day this year, Lance bought me my very own Nook. I have to admit, although very shamefully, that I have never been much of a reader. It has really been years since I have picked up a book to read. Sure, I read newspapers and magazines, but hardly ever a book. I absolutely love my new gift. I think I have read more in the last two weeks than I have in the last 5 years. Again...I am not proud of this fact.

I have found over the years that I am definitely more interested in non-fiction than anything else. I love reading people's stories...accomplishments, falls, failures and triumphs. The first book I purchased with my new e-reader was Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons For Making It Work by Tim Gunn. I am blowing through it faster than I could have ever imagined. I love it. I have been a fan of his for some time and I really love him on Project Runway.

There was a very particular paragraph in his book that made me stop dead in my tracks. I have mentioned before that I feel as though some of my personal relationships have gotten weaker in the last 6 months. I have tried talking to Lance about it but I never felt satisfied with my conclusions. Tim Gunn offered a new perspective that I think goes pretty perfectly with my situation:

"I find with complaints in general, you need to know the whole context, including what the expectation was. So frequently, I've found that the expectation has been totally false, a creation of the person's own imagination. They're disappointed not to get something they were never promised."

I have learned that I have put expectations on people that have no idea they are being held liable for anything. I created the expectation and found myself disappointed when there was no follow-through. I brought this on myself. The lightbulb finally came on...and I was actually relieved to have realized this.

Thank you, Tim Gunn! You may have saved me some very precious future time in therapy.

It's kind of like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie's boyfriend tells Miranda that the guy she thinks is going to call her really ISN'T going to call because "he's just not that into you." Apparently, I find myself trying too hard to keep things alive that maybe should be put to rest.

So, then the question remains...how long do you try to save a relationship before it is too much? When you're friends with someone, shouldn't there automatically be some unspoken expectations? I'm not sure what the answers are, but I do know now that I have to learn to reset my expectations of people...including myself.

In The Last 4 Months...

Day one

2 weeks old

2 months old

3 months old

4 months old

The last 4 months have brought a whirlwind of change and emotions for me. I am ecstatic to finally be in the mommy club. It has been such a long and emotional road for me and Lance that I sometimes thought it wasn't going to happen. I enjoy every minute with my little man...playing with him, watching him discover new things, watching him sleep, seeing his personality develop. It is such an amazing thing to watch this little person that you created discover and grow and learn.

I was lucky enough to have been able to stay home with him during his first 10 1/2 weeks of life. It was such a great time to bond with him and get to know him. I was never the kind of person who wanted to be a full time stay-at-home Mom, but I enjoyed (and still do!) every second I spend with him. I went back to work on November 1 and had mixed emotions about that. As much as I miss seeing Logan all day everyday, I was really craving adult interaction. I wasn't confident enough to leave the house for very long with him on my own, so I didn't get out much. I think about him all day when I'm at work, though. I'm so very grateful for the jobs that Lance and I have. I am home by 3:30pm everyday, I never have to work a weekend or a holiday and we have a lot of time off during the year during the summer and other breaks. They are the perfect jobs for us to have!

Along with the joy of having Logan around, I faced a lot of other emotions that I wasn't ready for. I felt guilty for having to stop breastfeeding so early on in his life. My hormones, which were very much under control during my pregnancy, were completely out of whack after I gave birth. Then I dealt with a pretty heavy case of the baby blues. It didn't develop into postpartum depression, but it was definitely something that I wasn't prepared for or knew exactly how to get through. It would always strike me in the evening. Lance would ask me a simple question like, "does chicken sound good for dinner?" and I would find myself hiding in the bathroom to cry for the next 20 minutes...and wonder why in the heck was I crying?

I also struggled with a lot of personal relationships. There were a few people that I had felt really close to and then after Logan was born, it was as if they had disappeared. It was months before I got so much as a text from them to find out how I was doing. On the flip side, there were people who I didn't feel quite as close to or hadn't seen or talked to in YEARS that were contacting me to find out how I was doing. One of them even went out of her way to make and bring us dinner! It was so sweet of these people to think of me and I will forever be grateful to them.

The last 4 months have left me with a lot to think about. Of course, my main priorities have changed for us and my focus is now on Logan. However, I have learned that I can't lose myself in my new role or rely on other people to make me happy. I need to figure out how to do that myself. This next year, I will be devoting myself to change and a year of firsts...my first year as a Mom, different activities, hobbies and new adventures. I want to be a better person for myself, my husband and my son.

Here goes nothing!

Logan

Our first family picture!

It has taken me a really long time to update my blog and I'm so happy that I finally have a chance to do it! Here is a little bit of what happened when Logan entered the world:

At 11:28pm on August 18, Logan was born. I went into the hospital on Tuesday, August 17 at 6pm and they started inducing about an hour later. I was feeling really great until about 2am...when the contractions were starting to get intense and seemed like they wouldn't let up. The nurses kept telling me that I needed to try and rest as much as possible but I knew that I wouldn't be able to with those contractions, so I asked for an epidural. It was the best possible thing I could have asked for. The little prick in my back brought me instant relief...and the anesthesiologist instantly became my best friend. Lance and I were able to get some sleep after that. All was well.

At about 8:45am the family started to arrive. My parents, sister and Lance's dad all arrived at the same time. I was talking to my Mom and sister when, at promptly 9:05am, my water broke. It was sudden and unexpected but very much welcome! We thought FOR SURE it wouldn't be long after that. Boy were we wrong!

The time passed and we waited...and waited...and waited. The doctor came in to check on me every once in a while but I was progressing so slowly that there wasn't much more to do than just wait. Luckily, I was feeling FANTASTIC from the epidural and wasn't in any pain whatsoever. My family kept staring at the monitor in amazement that I wasn't feeling the huge contractions that I was having. Lance kept me entertained by reading me all of the comments that people were leaving on Facebook.

Things started changing around 9pm. I was starting to feel A LOT of pressure *down there*. My epidural was also wearing off so I was starting to feel everything. It is quite a shock going from feeling absolutely nothing to feeling EVERYTHING at 8-9cm dilated. The anesthesiologist came in to see if he could adjust my epidural. It worked for a very short amount of time and then stopped working. He tried a different medication but that didn't work at all. After 18 hours of having the epidural, my body became tolerant of it and it stopped taking effect. I didn't have any other choice at that time but to just breathe and get through it.

After a while of squeezing the crap out of my sister's hand while breathing through contractions, I thought for sure that I was ready to push. My doctor came in and said that I had not progressed and that I was still only 8-9cm. I was absolutely miserable by this point. The contractions were seriously strong, I could feel him drop into the birth canal and I was shaking almost uncontrollably in my bed. I was also unbelievably hot. My family said the room was an ice box but it wasn't cool enough for me. My sister put wet washcloths all over me...on my head, arms, legs, feet...and it still wasn't enough. By this point I had also developed a fever. I saw the nurse consulting with the doctor and I knew what it was about. The came over to me with what they thought was going to be bad news to me...I was going to need a c-section. I was elated! I was ready to meet my new little man.

Everything went super smooth in delivery. It took about a half hour and then they rolled me into recovery. The nurse was really nice and let me talk her ear off...which is what I needed at that moment to get through the pain. After about an hour, my pain was under control and I was rolled into my postpartum room down the hall.

I will never forgot the moment I first saw my baby boy. In my eyes, he was perfect. I think my first words were, "he's so cute!" I was so happy to hear that he was here...safe...healthy. After years and years of trying to start a family with Lance, we had finally done it. I couldn't have been happier!

Except for one lactation consultant at the hospital, the care I received was absolutely top notch. All of my nurses in labor and delivery, surgery, recovery and postpartum were so unbelievably nice and supportive. My doctor and anesthesiologists were fantastic. The perinatologists and medical assistants were so friendly and nice. I couldn't have asked for a better team of doctors and professionals to have helped me in my journey. Maybe we will all meet again in a few more years.

Maybe...

Progress!

I was at my parent's house yesterday when my sister decided that she wanted to do a little photo shoot. I didn't really have any pictures of me and my growing belly so I was grateful that she wanted to do that. So, here I am at 37 weeks, 2 days along!

I have continued to have lots of doctor appointments. My non-stress tests have been great and have showed that my fluid levels are perfect and baby is doing fantastic. I saw my OBGYN on Thursday and I found out that I am now 50% effaced and 1cm dilated. I wasn't dilated at all at my last appointment, so we were really pleased about the progress! Hopefully everything will continue to develop naturally. At my appointment, my doctor went through my chart and pulled up the report with Logan's growth assessment. It's always reassuring when the doctor exclaims, "Wow! Your baby's head is off the charts!" We all had a little laugh about it, yet I have a feeling I'm not going to be the one laughing when I need to push that big noggin out when the time comes. Oh well!

Other than that, there really isn't much more to report on right now. I'm still having braxton hicks contractions, but none that would signal active labor. I'm having a little bit of back labor, as my lower back has been sore off and on for a few days now and I have a little bit of ligament pain when I stand to walk. I'm also feeling more pressure *down there*, but all of this is perfectly normal for where I am in the pregnancy right now. I've actually tried to take some video of him moving in my belly, but of course, whenever I hit the record button, he stops moving. He's either going to be shy or stubborn just like his daddy. Oops...did I just say that???

Speaking of Lance...I just want to take this opportunity to say how lucky I feel to have him as my partner. He has been absolutely wonderful taking care of me, the pets and the house. I don't think I tell him enough how grateful I am for him and all he does. I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE!!!!

A typical day? Not so much...

This last Saturday, I dealt with a headache that was much bigger than I'm used to. It didn't turn into any kind of migraine, but it was big enough to be quite annoying. It lasted for a few hours and then went away. The next day, Lance and I met one of his former students for lunch and afterward, I came home and took a nap. I woke up from my nap feeling absolutely awful....nausea, lightheaded, hot flashes and another headache. I took my blood pressure and it was higher than what my "normal" is, so I decided to call the on-call doctor. I had some pretty major symptoms of preeclampsia, so I didn't want to risk it. Even after I told her my history of having hypertension, she told me that she just thought I had food poisoning and told me that my blood pressure would have to stay elevated for them to be concerned. I got off the phone with her and rested on the couch for a while. I took my blood pressure again and it had gone down significantly and my nausea, hot flashes and feelings of being lightheaded went away. No more Mexican food for me for a while!

Monday was a much better day. I didn't have any headaches or other symptoms for the entire day. Lance and I went to the perinatologist for another non-stress test and ultrasound. I had been looking forward to this ultrasound because they were going to do a growth assessment on Logan. As it turns out, we have an extremely active child on our hands. So much, in fact, that I had to sit in the chair and be monitored for much longer than usual because he wouldn't stop moving. They look for a baseline on the monitor and compare his heart rate when he's at rest and when he moves, but if he continues to move, they can't get a good reading on him. It's all good news, though, because he's active. It would be scary to have a baby that didn't move much. The ultrasound showed that all of his fluids are fantastic. After doing the growth assessment, they determined that he is in the 71st percentile for growth and is currently weighing in at around 6 pounds, 14 ounces. They also told me that his head....his big, "perfectly round" (as they called it), noggin is in the 98th percentile for size. Holy moly!!!! I told the doctor that I didn't want to push out a 10 pound baby with a head that big. Nope. Not me! I'll keep my legs closed until they cut him out thankyouverymuch. Not happening. I think she felt my pain because she placed her hand on my arm and said, "We don't want that for you, either." I told her that my OBGYN wants to induce at 39 weeks and my perinatologist told me that she actually hopes that he comes on his own in the next two weeks. I couldn't hope for a better scenario! Fingers crossed!

I woke up this morning feeling as good as I did yesterday, which was quite the relief. I had a dentist appointment that went really well in the morning. They told me that I've taken fantastic care of my teeth and they were especially impressed with how well my gums looked for being so far along in my pregnancy. I had very little pregnancy related gingivitis and very little plaque. Lance and I headed to a scheduled appointment at my OBGYN's office in the early afternoon. The medical assistant took my blood pressure and told me it was slightly elevated, but didn't seem too concerned. Then she asked me if I would be okay with a nurse practitioner student doing my exam today instead of the NP that was supposed to see me. I figured that it wouldn't hurt, and besides, students need to practice on someone, right? The student came in and she instantly seemed like a nervous, hot mess. I could tell that she was trying really hard to ask every question imaginable and do everything by the book but she seemed really nervous and was kind of fumbling around. I think this made me nervous, because when she took my blood pressure (both standing and sitting), it was very, very high. She did my exam and then took my blood pressure for a 3rd time. It was still high, but lower than it was the previous two times. After asking another billion questions, she headed out to consult with the NP I was originally supposed to see. They both came back into the room a few minutes later and told me that they contacted the on-call doctor at the hospital and it was her recommendation that I come to the hospital to be monitored for a while to check my blood pressure and how the baby was doing. With absolutely no hesitation, Lance and I left and headed the 1/2 mile or so up to the hospital.

I have to say...I feel really lucky to be in such good hands. I love my doctors and I really love the hospital where I'm going to be delivering. I was a patient there for a week back in 2001 and the care I received was stellar. It was no different this time. Lance and I arrived and they already had a room ready and waiting for me. I laid in the bed for about two hours while they had me hooked up to a fetal monitor, another monitor that measures and records your contractions and a blood pressure machine that would take my blood pressure every 15 minutes. They also had a lady come in from the lab to draw some blood. After two hours, the nurse told me that I was free to go. My blood pressure had gone down and stabilized and the baby looked great. I have to go back to the OBGYN office on Friday for a follow-up appointment and call to get my urine culture results on Thursday. I signed some paperwork and I was discharged. Everything is good!

I also found out today a bit more information about being induced. Unless Logan decides to come earlier, they are going to admit me to the hospital the evening of August 17 and I will be induced the following morning. I don't have any times yet, but I will be sure to let people know once I find out. I'm still hoping that he comes a bit earlier than this, but I'm really happy about the fact that they're not letting me get to 40 weeks.

Stay tuned!

My Full-Time Summer Job

I have made no secret of the fact that this summer my full-time job has included doctor appointments, baby classes, organizing the baby room, appointments at the diabetes center and managing my diabetes and blood pressure. I am so incredibly glad that I decided not to work at the school district this summer. I really don't know how I would have managed to do everything I not only wanted to do, but NEEDED to do.

Today happened to be a pretty busy day for us. I had two doctor appointments. My first one was with my OB-GYN. She informed me that because of my gestational diabetes, she will not let me get to 40 weeks gestation, so unless he decides to come earlier, she will induce labor at 39 weeks. This means that I will be induced on either August 17th or 18th. Of course, if he decides to come before 39 weeks, that would be okay, too. I will be 35 weeks on Wednesday and I'm far enough along now that there isn't a whole lot that we would need to worry about as far as his development is concerned. With gestational diabetes, the biggest risk is that the baby will become too large for delivery, which is why they won't let me get that far along. Lance and I were absolutely thrilled to hear that we'll get to meet our little guy at least a week before his actual due date! For many reasons, this will definitely work out to everyone's advantage.

We also talked to my doctor about getting vaccinated for Whooping Cough (Pertussis). This has started to become a real problem and cases of it have really increased in California. She said that I will be vaccinated before I am discharged from the hospital and the baby will be vaccinated when he is a few months old. Lance is going to get vaccinated this week and I have already sent information to my parents and sister about clinics in our area that are offering free vaccinations. I would really encourage everyone to please get vaccinated. There are many clinics that offer it free of charge and it is good for 10 years. Getting poked in the arm is so worth not spreading this horrible disease to a little one. Okay...enough of my lecturing...

My second appointment was at the perinatology office. I've been going there twice a week for the last few weeks to do non-stress tests. Once a week they also do an ultrasound, which is always fun. Today, for the first time, the ultrasound tech actually got a pretty good shot of his face and we were able to see him sticking his tongue out and moving his mouth. We even got to watch him stick his fingers in his mouth and start sucking on them. I almost died! It was such a cool moment to see him do that. The non-stress test took longer than usual today because he was being a little bit hyperactive. They waited until his heart rate came down a bit before letting me out of the chair. At one of my appointments next week, they will measure his growth again. At my first appointment today, I learned that I am now right at my prepregnancy weight and after measuring my belly, he seemed to be right on track for growth. It was also confirmed today that he was still head down and in the exact position he's supposed to be in. He has been in that position for a while now. I am anxious to find out what his growth measures to be next week!

Anyway, we are really, really happy with the way everything is going right now. My glucose numbers have been excellent, my blood pressure has been pretty stable and he seems to be growing and developing exactly the way he is supposed to. Lets just hope that this continues for the next 4 weeks!

Baby Shower

On Saturday, June 26, my sister threw me a beautiful baby shower at my parent's house. I was so overwhelmed by how many of my family and friends came to celebrate this special day. We received some of the most adorable clothes I've ever seen along with some really beautiful handmade blankets, quilts and booties. I have some seriously talented friends and family!

I just want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who made this day so special. My sister put in countless hours making decorations, baking, shopping and everything else in between. My parents used their entire week of vacation leading up to the shower making sure that the house and property was set for a big party and making some delicious food for the shower. Thank you to the 30+ people who showed up to help celebrate from very near and VERY far! Two people drove for over 3 hours to get there and one person drove 5 hours each way to be there! All 3 of them also turned around and went home after the shower. I don't know how they did that! I also had 3 family members take a 12 hour train ride to be there. Thank you, also, to the friends and family who couldn't be there but sent your well wishes and gifts. We truly appreciate each and every one of you and are grateful to have you all in our lives!

I've created this slide show of the shower for those who wish to view it. It was a very special day and one that I will remember for a long time. Thank you everyone!!!